Dark and Stormy Blogfest Contest

Scroll down for an early morning rambling and some updated information about #RANDOMfest. But this..

Brenda Drake is hosting an awesome blogfest/contest for the next three days. The premise sounded simple enough when I signed - I post the first sentence of my finished story and then go critique other first sentences from other participants. Once I've received lots of helpful feedback, I go post a revised/final version of it on Brenda's blog. On Wednesday morning early, the contest closes and there are epic prizes available for the top three entrants. (like critiques from the awesome Weronika Janczuk, from D4EO Literary).

It sounded simple enough. Until I read my first sentence of my finished manuscript. One sentence is so very little to go off of. But, I'm in anyway. Sentence is below:

Title: Uriel's Fall
Genre: Urban Fantasy

Cherub existed in the ether, absorbing the day-to-day of her creator’s heaven.

Revision:
After reading the comments that have come in, I've revised this a little. here's my newest working revision:

Cherub wished it had a name to define it beyond its station: a label to give it shape and form like the angels it admired from a distance.

Revision two:
Still tweaking and refining based on some fantastic comments. Here's my newest version:

Cherubim longed for a name; a label to give it shape and definition like the seraphim it admired from a distance.

17 comments:

Dawn Embers said...: I loved the contest idea. Wish I had a novel finished so I could enter as well but maybe some other time.

As for the first sentence here... It's okay but doesn't really stand out. I like the idea of the cherub and ether existence. It's a short sentence too so can only do so much within the length. Not that short is bad. This one just doesn't quite have the punch that I think the contest is geared towards. But I bet I'd read further so no worries there.; February 7, 2011 at 10:18 AM
Angela Felsted said...: I like your sentence, it has good atmosphere. But if you're going for something besides atmosphere then you might want to start with something else.

Easier said than done, let me tell you! Opening my manuscripts always gives me conniption fits.; February 7, 2011 at 11:38 AM
katehaggard said...: Is Cherub the name of the character or are you referencing that particular brand of angel? The meaning and punch of the sentence really changes based on which it is. If it is the character's name perhaps give them a last name to make it clear that is it a character.

It does give an immediate sense of atmosphere. A little polishing, and little tightening and it could work really well.; February 7, 2011 at 11:58 AM
Cheree said...: I also wonder if Cherub's your character's name or the type of angel, you will need to make that more obvious. It does set the tone of the novel and peaks curiosity.; February 7, 2011 at 4:27 PM
Loralie Hall said...: Thanks for your feedback all - Cherub is both. A name and a type of angel. They're all called Cherub, they don't get names. But that gets explained in about two or three sentences from now ^_^; February 7, 2011 at 4:31 PM
Margo Kelly said...: I'm not sure what "absorbing the day-to-day" means. But, I would read more!; February 7, 2011 at 11:04 PM
lbdiamond said...: I like the abstract quality of this imagery...plus it's directly relating the character's perspective--NICE!; February 8, 2011 at 9:36 AM
Christine Arnold said...: This has a kind of Ayn Rand quality to it. Very spooky!; February 8, 2011 at 11:19 AM
Kelly Bryson said...: I like the revised version much better!

The info I want to know next is how cherub exists without form, what kind of a being cherub is. Good luck:); February 8, 2011 at 11:54 AM
kathrynjankowski said...: Cherub wished it had a name to define it beyond its station: a label to give it shape and form like the angels it admired from a distance.

I'm noticing "it" five times in one sentence, which feels very awkward to me. Is Cherub androgynous?
I'd also caution against using colons. Perhaps a semi-colon or a comma would work better.
With a little tweaking, I think you could really show us this character's longing.
Thanks for sharing.; February 8, 2011 at 1:07 PM
Tanya Reimer said...: Yeah, your revision is way cool. I love it.; February 8, 2011 at 3:41 PM
Loralie Hall said...: Thank you all for your feedback so far - this has been so helpful, and for anyone just getting here, I'm still open to suggestions ^_^; February 8, 2011 at 4:06 PM
wordwranglernc said...: I like the revision, too. It gives me more insight into the character. Good job!; February 8, 2011 at 5:00 PM
Trisha said...: yeah, I didn't feel that the original was all that gripping. But the revision is a lot more so! :); February 8, 2011 at 5:27 PM
MarcyKate said...: Not to throw a wrench in your revisions, but I really liked the original. The revisions confuse me - Cherubim is a label just like seraphim, so I'm not really seeing the difference or sympathizing with the longing here. The atmosphere in the first sentence sets the tone nicely to me.; February 8, 2011 at 7:56 PM
David said...: Your final revision is my favorite. Cherub is a little too cute for me, but Cherubim is good. The day to day stuff is very vague, but a specific longing I can understand and empathize with. Tension is also forming, from the differences between the two types of angels.; February 8, 2011 at 8:11 PM
Sarah Billington said...: I can't quite get a grasp on what's happening here. But it also seems like your character can't either so that feeling I'm getting is probably incredibly accurate.
Good job!; February 9, 2011 at 2:54 AM

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Dark and Stormy Blogfest Contest

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